Time flies, or am I just procrastinating?

6 months since last posting.. and I am still struggling. It seems like a rollercoaster ride that speeds up then slows down. I find myself always coming up with plausible excuses.. but that is what they are.. excuses. Not even good ones really.. although I can back them up if I debate with myself, or explain to my doc why I haven't done as well as I should. I can acknowledge that there will always be struggles, always be emotional issues or crisies that will send me over that edge. Food is comfort.. no all food, not the food that is good for me.. the foods of choice for my comfort are always the old standbys.. Corn chowder, chips & dip, good old carb loaded goodies. So here I still am, still struggling, still fighting the fight to better myself, for myself. Still working toward my mini goals. Reminding myself that I didn't get here overnight & I will not give up. Weight today 183

Compulsion

Hmm, almost a week, not sure I am entirely back on track. Hard to fix what the rest of the gang wants for dinner & not eat it too. But I am down 3lbs & I'll take it! It is such an emotion based reaction to eat. To smother my feelings with food. It takes a concerted effort to switch what I eat when that compulsion trys to take over. I grab a few almonds or some pepperoni slices & a stick of cheese. I get a steaming hot cup of coffee rather than feed the urge to eat every time. It will always be a struggle, I have to own that & know I will make the right choices. A learning process to be sure!
Weight today 185.

Back on the Wagon

It has been 5 months since I last posted.. my winter of discontent.. from my birthday the beginning of October thru until the twin's birthday the beginning of February I am in an emotional wasteland. It takes everything in me to get through the basic functions of caring for the kids.. everything else is pushed to the wayside. Including taking care of myself. I have gained back over 15 lbs of the weight I had lost. I have been discouraged & frustrated. I have not seen my Dr. since September. I see him again in a few weeks. I spoke with the nutritionist & am working on getting back on track.
I am hoping I can get myself to a better point & be better able to cope next winter. The anniversary of my daughter's death will never be easier for me to handle, but I need to find better ways to cope. Emotional issues are the root of my being overweight & not giving myself the worth I deserve. That is a hard thing to change. So here we are again...
Weight today 188

Through the looking glass..

I have put alot of things on the back burner lately, including my blogging. I have been very busy with an animal rescue I work with & even tho the kiddos are back in school, I am still watching my 6 mo. old grandson & running ragged most days. I was excited when I realized I hadn't weighed myself in a while & when I did I was down to 170lbs! It was Sunday morning when I was getting dressed. I had a dog rescue adoption event all weekend & I had worn a favorite pair of shorts & top on Saturday. A friend mentioned it was time for me to buy some clothes that fit. I looked in the mirror when I went to the restroom & really paid attention to the clothes I was wearing.. they really were too big! I can well remember when they were too tight for me to wear & how good I felt when I could actually wear them without feeling self conscious. Now they hang on me & when I hold them out to the side they are very baggy! When did this happen? Why do I not see the difference as well as others do? I look in the mirror & I see the me I have always seen. I do not notice very much difference in my body size/weight. It is difficult for me to buy clothes because I pick out the wrong sizes & hate running back & forth to the fitting room, so I take them home & end up returning them later.
I remember when I had lost weight once before & was shopping at Lane Bryant, the salesgirl was helping me & suggested I try some tops I liked in a smaller size because the ones I tried on were too big. I didn't look at the size she got me, tried them on & liked the way they fit. She told me soon I wouldn't be able to shop there anymore because those were the smallest size they had.. I panicked & said "Oh no! Where am I supposed to shop??!" She answered me.. anywhere you want to! I had shopped there for over 20 years. I avoided regular clothing stores because most didn't carry sizes big enough for me. I couldn't process the thought that I could shop somewhere else, I could go to any store & find clothes that fit me.. it is still hard for me to accept that.
So I have hit another Big "O"!! I am at a weight I have not been in over about 25 years. That seems so surreal to me. I am still waiting to wake up & be at my heaviest weight again.. but I am so thankful I am not dreaming, that the woman I see in the mirror is really me.
TRUTH: Although the weight loss going slow is frustrating, it is happening & is more likely to stay off than if I dropped weight really fast & I didn't have to work at it.

Retraining my brain!

This journey is as much about self discovery as it is about rebirth, rejuvenation, rethinking what we have been taught & exposed to our whole lives. I am retraining my brain. I am having to prove to myself on a daily basis that I am worth it. That I am so much more than my past & my upbringing. This may sound dramatic to some, but most of you know exactly what I mean. It is an internal switch that we often overlook or tend to think we cannot switch off, or I guess more acurately.. switch back on.
I have had to take a firm stance with myself. I have had to treat my inner self like I would a close friend. Doing what I know is best even when I am often met with resistance! I struggled for over a week without any weight loss. The half pound I finally lost was hard won. I was back on my scale addiction, beating myself up emotionally if it went up at all or stayed the same. That defeated my morale, made me feel like I was failing. That in turn made we want to give up, buy a huge gallon of ice cream & eat the whole thing. Self soothing, self medicating, self destruction.
Somehow my switch flipped. I cannot define the moment or the reason. I just know that something within me changed. I felt the surge of refusal to give up, to let go. I felt the need to love myself enough to take that next step forward rather than backward. I do not kid myself that there won't be further struggles to make the right choices, or to still beat myself up when I make the wrong ones. But I think the choices will become easier & I will not be so quick to give in to the old habits of self sabotage.
I have found that ridding my environment of the carbs & sugars that I once craved has really helped me over that edge. I can get things that the kids enjoy now & have no desire to eat them. I still have occasion to be reminded that there are limitations that may never change. I went to dinner last night & made the mistake of thinking a piece of bread would be no big deal. On it's own it may not have been, but bread swells quickly once swallowed.. add liquid & it swells even more.. that blocks the band opening & anything you eat after that will most likely come back up. It really spoiled my dinner. As well as not being able to finish the Sangria I drank with the bread. I know better. It was a choice without thought. An impulse reaction to the smell of hot, fresh bread. I doubt I will make that mistake again any time soon! That bread was not worth it! I would have enjoyed the rest of my meal more than I did that piece of bread. It is what it is & all part of the retraining of my brain.
TRUTH: Proof to myself it is worth the work.. weight today 174!

Scaling Down!

For 1 week I have stayed off my scale. I was becoming so obsessed with the numbers & caught up with losing/not losing that I was driving myself crazy! So this morning I stepped on & was delighted to see 176.5!! I finally feel like I am "getting it". I find I am not snacking or worrying so much about eating. I eat 2-3 times per day, I'm just not watching the clock to see if it is time to eat yet. I am listening to my body & when I actually feel hungry. I am eating little to no carbs. I really try to stick to a game plan for cooking & eating each day. I am going to try to stay off my scale!

Onederland & the Big "0"

Most people who have WLS(weight loss surgery) are 2-400 pounds. Onederland is getting below 200.. into the 199 & below range.. ONE-derland. I was 210 when I was banded. It didn't take me long to get to onederland. It has gone alot slower for me to get to the big "0"s.. that is my goal phrase for each 10 lbs that will get me down the scale. I passed 190 a few months ago.. today I hit the next big "0".. 180!!

That number would probably make alot of women happy. My Dr. said that isn't a bad weight for some women.. women who are taller than 5 ft 1.5 inches! My height is my downfall! Not really.. my downfall was my DNA mixed with emotional baggage. I am on a mission to correct that! I can't change my DNA, but I can change what I do about it. They say the lower you get on the scale, the harder it is to lose the weight. I am keeping my goals simple, every big "0" is a big deal. Then I head to the next one. If I look at the big picture.. 60ish more pounds to go.. it seems overwhelming. I look at having lost 30 pounds so far. It took me almost 9 months! But that was not 9 months of rigidly following the program. It also included major neck surgery & recovery. So I hope gettng to the next big "0" goes a bit quicker. Whatever your goals are, keep them simple. If it is a big goal, break it down to more attainable steps, rather than one huge mountain to climb.

Truth: I had lost weight before & was 180lbs a couple years ago before my hysterectomy. The next Big "0" is the really big one.. I have not weighed 170 in over 20 years!